The Landscape Severity Scale · Landscape Counseling

Level 1 — Mild Neglect

Lawn is a bit shaggy. Weeds present but not yet forming a society. Still has potential with light encouragement.

Prognosis: Hopeful

Level 2 — Questionable Choices

Decorative rocks with unclear intent. Mismatched mulch. A fountain that hasn't worked since the first Obama term.

Prognosis: Guarded

Level 3 — Cry for Help

Visible tire planters. Painted rocks spelling something. A gravel "feature" that's just a pile. The lawn is coping, not thriving.

Prognosis: Concerning

Level 4 — Acute Crisis

Multiple gnome colonies. Christmas & Easter decorations coexisting. A bathtub Madonna. This lawn has seen things.

Prognosis: Poor

Level 5 — Beyond Help

The yard has transcended aesthetics. It is making a statement. We just don't know what. Refer to specialist immediately.

Prognosis: Terminal

Special Diagnosis · Restricted

3+ gnomes is a collection. 7+ is a community. 12+ is a government. We don't judge. Okay, we judge a little. Further findings redacted.

Classified